404:Teacher not found

Holy triple-threat Baman!
How was your Halloween weekend?
I spent mine standing in a 6.5 hour line waiting so my wife and kids could get their H1N1 vaccinations (they’re all high risk…I’m just highly stressed), then battling the Report Card boogeyman and cleaning up my yard from the annual attack of the local hoodlums.

It’s hard to say which was more scary: the first report cards at a new school (where you still have to figure things out by stumbling upon them in the dark, like those little Barbie shoes that stab your instep on the way to a 3 AM water-call), the spectre of the Swine Flu, or the little punks who egg houses each year.

Let’s break this one down shall we?

Report Cards: my usual dilligence with marking and reporting (stop snickering) has been infected by the Phantom of Techno-Frustration that lurks behind every program.

Teacher: You want me to list the assignments that are due? Sure, no problem! I’ll just….what do you mean “fatal error?” Open the pod bay doors Hal!

Phantom of T-F: I’m sorry Dave, I can’t do that.

Teacher: My name isn’t Dave, and just give me the stinkin’ files!!!

Phantom of T-F: Would you like fries with that?

Teacher: Forget computers……..I need an abacus….an abacus and a double scotch

It’s not enough that I am experiencing the same vulnerability that our students face every time we FORCE them to engage in the sort of challenging, meaningful, authentic learning experiences which ensure either personal growth or yet another weenie roast on the flames of failure, but NOW I have to admit that I am not merely a Digital Immigrant, but I may become the first Digital Deportee!

Okay, let’s compare this (facing parents and students and fearing that their learning may have been compromised by my techno-incompetence) with the Swine Flu:

Well, there’s no dignified way to satirize the H1N1 virus, so I won’t insult those who have been severely effected by it. You can avoid the virus by practicing good hygiene, exercising regularly, eating properly and getting proper rest.
Let’s compare this list with the average teachers schedule: hygiene? we’re surrounded by adolescents each day, hygiene is an aftergthought. Exercise? My exercise program consists of carrying bags of marking from the van to the house, and back out again in the morning. Eating? What, on the 20 minutes a day most teachers get to phonephotocopyandpee?

Vandals? Those I can deal with. Have really cool candy and then give out packages of microwave popcorn after 8:00 and the teenagers will be too busy stealing their parent’s liquor and eating popcorn to egg any houses.

So, bottom line:

• teenagers don’t scare me. I’m a Science Teacher, I scare teenagers.
• Swine flu is a micro-organism and (in the words of that medical visionary, Meatloaf) you gotta do what you can, and let Mother-Nature do the rest.
• Report Cards at a new school, using new technology, after being sick with swine-LIKE-flu (swine-ish flu sounds too much like Swedish Flu, which I’m pretty sure is an STI) WINS as the MOST scary thing I have had to face all this Halloween weekend.

Which reminds me; weren’t those report cards due this morning?

Oh man…

Hal? You got any poutine to go with those files?

So one of the biggest challenges I’m finding is trying to do LABS in a virtual environment.  I’m not the kind of teacher who likes following textbooks.  I like having kids come in and start blowing stuff up!  Now, I don’t want to attract the further attention of the RCMP, Interpol and FBI (hi fellas! Nice sunglasses btw: you should dress more like David Boreanez than David Duchovney) so I’ll stay away from blowing shtuff up (for now).

BUT, how do you get students to do labs, experiment, manipulate things (other than parents and teachers), and get their hands ON something when they’re completing lessons online?

Okay, not an exciting topic, but here’s where my searches have lead me:

1. video labs (http://bit.ly/3AUCou)
2. virtual labs (http://bit.ly/29U63B)
3. best practices for online teaching (http://bit.ly/PrWLJ), (http://bit.ly/mgc1b)
4. and this

So basically, I have found many items telling me how badly I suck as a virtual school teacher, but none that actually help me to make Science Labs interactive and hands on!

You know what encourages teenagers to engage in hands on learning?

FOOD (okay, that and Kanye West, but not THAT kind of hands on learning)

How the hell do you get kids to interact with a lesson when they are sitting in their parents’ basement, wearing PJs and playing Halo ODST instead of focussing on their bloody lessons?

If you have any suggestions, please place them in the comments or contact me directly, cause I don’t have a friggin clue!

What the hell am I doing?

This I ask myself daily since starting my new job at a Virtual School.  Some people have asked me if I would blog my experiences as I stumble down this road, hopefully fleeing complacency without colliding into the overwhelming, soul-numbing wall of mediocrity that surrounds Ed. writing these days.  So here I am.

I don’t know what to write, or why anyone with freedom of mobility and without restrictive medication would bother reading it, but if you want to  Rubber-neck this train-wreck-ride through the wonderful world of Online Education, then Here I am kiddies!

I timidly approach the waters, preparing to dip my toes into the icy chasm of this forum, only to have a big, hairy guy with Lynrd Skynrd tats and a dino-mullet kick my skinny butt into the deep end.

Well, fine then! Here’s my blog, Bubba! Push me again and I’ll crush your vintage 8-track collection ‘neath the mighty wheels of my trusty Saturn mini-Van!!

So today (our second Saturday) I was attending the final day of a cohort group studying PD directions in Science education.  Am I the only one who thinks all of these edu-group names sound more than a little arrogant?

What is a ‘cohort?’ It sounds like a small group of Roman soldiers charging the local savages to impale them on the bright points of Roman society.

Is that what a ‘cohort’ is? A group designed to subject its findings upon others? (personal practice suggests a more appropriate name for PD groups might be Circle-Jerks or Cluster-humps…figuratively speaking, of course)

Why are we teachers so threatened by “new” thoughts and methods? I don’t think they are new (as Dr. David Townsend mentioned this morning), I don’t think there really ARE any new ideas in Western Public Education, I think what’s scary is that the ideas are ‘DIFFERENT’  – anything different from MY practices must, by definition mean that MY practices are inferior.

wow, text-ile-diarrhea or what?  Not bad for my first blog, I guess.

Please join me as I flounder in the deep end of self-reflection and skirt around the realization that most of my teaching is crap!  Shall I enter this forum with a whimpering shudder? Nah….I don’t think so.

LOOK OUT YOU HIPPIES!

IT’S CANNONBALL TIME!!!

error – file 404: teacher not found.

(please leave comments or teaching suggestions – and an address where you may be threatened – on the side)

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